


Is this okay?

by jellyfic



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Building Relationship, Fluff, Killugon - Freeform, M/M, bear with me i can’t tag, slow burn but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22838221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyfic/pseuds/jellyfic
Summary: Killua found himself stuck in a coffee shop, being lectured by Leorio and Kurapika. They should mind they own business, really. But in the end, isn’t that what he needed to finally be able to confess his love?
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 17
Kudos: 104





	Is this okay?

"So what did you two want to talk about?"

Killua plunged one finger into the sweet whipped cream and put in on his tong to test the sugary taste. A light "pop" echoed once he took his finger out of his mouth as he sighed contently. 

Nothing better than a free hot chocolate! 

He finally raised his gaze onto his friends sitting in front of him who were looking at each other, uneasy. Well, Leorio was uneasy, Kurapika was just glaring, arms crossed as if to say "You started this shit”. 

Killua refrained a snort and took a sip of his drink, waiting patiently for them to answer. 

When Leorio understood that the blond won't move a finger to help him, he sighed and cast a bitterness glance at the cup of hot cocoa that he had just bought for the silver-haired boy. 

When he had entered the coffee a few minutes earlier and saw his two friends sitting in a corner, Killua had mentally prepared himself to have a long afternoon. He had warned them that he won't stay unless they would buy him a sweet treat to keep him company. 

He didn't know what the boys wanted to talk about, but he had received a text this morning, asking for him to come at the coffee shop to talk about something important. Killua hadn't planned to go, but his curiosity had been piqued and free chocolate had convinced him. 

"Guys, spit it out already." He sighed dramatically, laying his back against the chair. "I have plenty of things planned you know?" 

He, in fact, have nothing planned. 

Killua didn't have many goals in his life. He just experienced it day after day, allowing his heart to express his desires about the activities he wanted to do throughout the day. It was an attitude that upset many people, his parents first, who have given up into forcing him to follow classes, whether it would be at his house or in a high school. 

It wasn't Killua didn't like learning, rather that he didn't like studying. Staying in front of a book, listening to someone talk, was awfully boring. He preferred learning by himself, through experiences that life gives him. He has discovered science by exploring mountains, lakes, and oceans, observing nature and animals. Literature was something he hated, but listening to the elders of the village talking about their past, about the previous wars and history of the Island was okay. 

He just loved learning by himself, when he wanted. 

So, unlike the other teenagers of his age, he didn't have much to do. He usually spent his time walking, searching for an unfamiliar place to discover. He could be seen chilling at the shadow of a tree, thinking about anything worth his time. When he wasn't by himself straying in town, he was always with Gon. They would play like children, competing in sports, anything that his friend would find lively.

They could be seen fishing at the lake, balancing in a tree or wandering in town, searching for a soul craving for help. Both boys were popular in the town. They loved to render services and more than often turned them into a competition to make it funnier. People had a lot of trust in them, entrusting them their shops for an afternoon or giving them packages to deliver. They were always greedy to help. 

But Gon was on chores duty today. The day of big household has arrived, so he stayed at home all day to help his aunt and grandma. Killua wasn't a big fan of housework. Even if he knew Gon and Mito always find a way to make anything funnier to do, he has decided to stay by himself. Leorio and Kurapika were probably up-to-date since they demanded him to come the day Gon couldn't accompany him. 

He still didn't know why he had been called here, but he had the firm intuition that it concerned the green-haired boy. 

"Okay, so." Leorio finally started after painfully gathering air into his lungs and glaring at the blond at his side. "I don't really know how to approach the subject, but we wanted to talk to you about Gon." 

Right in the target! Killua snorted, taking another sip of his drink. He took pleasure into staying silent, knowing it would make the man even more uneasy. Moreover, he didn't want to sound too interested in the subject, even though the long-legged boy did piqued his curiosity. 

Leorio puffed his chest, likely looking for the little courage he had left. 

"Kurapika and I think-"

"I don't think anything at all." The man at his side cut him off, arms still crossed, looking disinterested. "You're the one being so obsessed about it."

Killua refrained a smile at the Leorio’s upset expression, who puffed to show his discontentment. Yet, he hadn't let himself be brought down by his friend's repartee. 

"Kurapika and I" He continued, emphasis on the name through clenched teeth. "Think your relation with Gon should... Maybe... Evolve?"

Killua frowned, noticing Kurapika rolling his eyes. "What do you mean?" 

Leorio took a minute before breathing in loudly. 

"What I'm saying is you are undeniably in love with our little sunshine boy, and maybe it's time for you to finally do something about it and confess."

The silver-haired boy froze in his movement, cup a few centimeters away from his lips, eyes wide open. His mouth was slightly parted, sign that he had expected anything _except_ that. He would have never thought Leorio would have the guts to talk about his relation with Gon in the middle of a coffee shop. And he would have never, oh so never, though that Leorio would be so straightforward about it as if he wasn't terrified of death itself. 

He blinked several times before putting on his most evil glare. Confusion and madness could be clearly seen in his eyes right now. He frowned, setting back his cup on the table, crossing his arms. But despite him being mad, he could feel his cheeks becoming warmer, so obviously, getting pinker too and he mentally cursed. 

"Ah? What are you talking about?" 

Kurapika rolled his eyes again while Leorio just crossed his arm, apparently more confident. Killua wanted to shove his confidence away. 

"No need to deny it, it's so obvious that even a blind would see you have fallen for Gon." He lifted up both hands, as if to calm the atmosphere, claiming innocent. "Which I can understand. His contagious cheerfulness is quite endearing."

"I-" Killua sputtered as his face grew redder. “I don't like Gon." 

The blond gave him a deadpanned look while his other friend sighed, pinching his nose as if the conversation has been going on for ages and was tired of it. 

"Oh come on! It pains us so much to see you both turning around each other."

"I don't mind it." Kurapika interrupted. "I don't care about these two dorks hurting themselves with their feelings." 

A bitterness feeling grew up in Killua as he felt betrayed. He snorted loudly, throwing his venom.

"As if you two lovebirds could give lessons about admitting feelings." 

Ah! A mischievous grin established its way on his lips, proud of the effect of his retort. Leorio was so tensed, he asked himself if he was still breathing at all, face crimson. Kurapika, on the other hand, had his arms crossed and eyes closed but thoughts betrayed by the color of his cheeks. 

The fact that they both had feelings for each other was a secret for nobody, not even them. But none of them had already properly confessed, pride getting in the way. They would try to impress or upset the other, bickering and fighting and flirting. If there was a relationship that was painful to witness, it was theirs. 

Leorio stammered, trying to get rid of his confusion and embarrassment with the only way he knew; shouting. 

"You little brat! I'm kind enough to help you so don't change the subject!" 

"I don't need your help. I'm fine." He snarled, eyebrows joining in a thin line. 

"Oh please! It's been what? Six years already?" 

His frown deepened. Indeed, it's been six years since he first met and befriended Gon. He had met him on his first day of middle school. Until then, he had been educated at home to the delight of his parents. But growing up, Killua got bored and decided to follow a public education. Gon was the first one to engage conversation, telling him starting high school alone sucked and so they would be friends from now on. At first, he hadn't given much attention, just enjoying his company, happy not to be alone. But he quickly got enamored with the boy and started caring about their relation, happy to have a friend as cool as Gon. Since then, they've been inseparable. 

Even if Gon did continue High school, both boys kept seeing each other. The green-haired boy would often skip class to hang out with him and wander in the city, looking for something interesting to do. He wasn't fond of class, enjoying learning outside by himself more than in a closed room. He was attending school to please his aunt anyway, reassuring her by receiving a diploma. Both boys were much alike. 

"I don't put my nose on your love affair or whatever is happening between you too. So keep your nose out of mine." 

He didn't even have the time to breathe that Leorio suddenly stood up, pointing an accusing finger at him, his smile screaming victory. "So you do love him!" 

Killua glanced at him in disbelief. His jaw tensed as he got up, fed up. Coming here was a huge mistake. If he had stayed outside observing the cloud, he wouldn't have been attacked by a tall man, shouting at him about a subject that obviously concerned only himself. 

He scoffed and without casting a last glance at his supposed friends, he walked away. But he hadn't even had the time to take two steps that Kurapika interrupted again. 

"Leorio is an idiot." He simply stated. 

Killua turned around, eyeing him suspiciously through narrowed eyes. 

"That's nothing new." The silver-haired snapped, which sparked a light smile on Kurapika's face. 

He found back his neutral expression pretty fast though, declaring a gazing war. Neither of them paid attention to Leorio fidgeting exaggeratedly in the corner, visibly upset. He was making a scene in the coffee, but the two others couldn't care less as the blond continued. 

"He's an idiot that clearly have a tendency to put his nose where he should definitely not." 

Killua registered the indignant shout of the tall man, asking his friend on which side he was but didn't comment on it. Neither did Kurapika, adding, unphased.

"But you have to admit he is not wrong. At least, admit it to yourself."

There was a long pause in which they kept starring at the other, mistrustful and daring. 

"That's wild of you to say." 

"Aren't you used to it already?" 

Ultimately, in a slight scoff, Killua came back to the table and sat down, crossing his arms. Leorio was successively eyeing the other two, pouting, half vexed, half impressed. But the silvered haired boy didn't cast a single look at him, focusing instead on Kurapika. He sighed, plunging his face into his hands and then growled. 

"Can't believe you're the one talking about this to me." 

There was a scoff and then: "Yeah, me neither." 

Killua looked back at both boys through his fingers, hiding his evident flush. "Just to be clear, you don't have the final word to this."

"Obviously."

"And I'm not a stupid preschooler with a stupid crush." 

"Nobody said that."

Killua finally revealed his face, frowning and pointing an accusing finger at his two friends. 

"And you two badgers better keep this conversation for yourself." 

Leorio puffed his chest, letting a little sigh of indignation out.As the oldest was about to retort something, a hand raised in front of him, cutting him. He looked at the blond, pouting but sat back down, keeping his remark for himself. 

"Of course."

Killua let his gaze wander, looking outside, thinking. He really didn't know if it was a good idea, but he was already deep in it, so he sighed and admitted in a small voice. 

"I don't know what to do." 

The features of his friends soothed, looking at him, understanding. 

"Do you want him to know?"

Did he want Gon to know? 

But know what exactly? Killua himself didn't know how to described his feelings towards the sunshine boy. What would he even confess? That his heart missed a bit each time Gon smiled at him? That he couldn’t keep himself from blushing when they were too close? That he had caught himself several times looking fondly at his best friend with a soft smile on the lips? 

As Leorio had said, it was pretty obvious. And even though Gon could be dense sometimes, there was a high chance —or mischance the boy already knew. So then, what good will confess do? 

He could only see two outcomes. 

First, Gon knew about his feeling, telling him that it was okay, that he didn’t mind it. Their friendship would go on just as it always did, Killua being calmer about his feelings. The second was Gon finding him disgusting because they were best friends and the simple thought of wanting something more would embarrass him. 

The fact was, that Killua didn’t want their relationship to change. That’s why he had so much trouble putting words on his emotions. Because he wasn't romantically interested in Gon. At least, that’s what he thought. Because he was different from the couple he had already seen in the street. He didn’t crave for Gon’s touch, he hadn’t dreamed about kissing him or anything like that. He didn’t want their relationship to change at all. 

But he knew there was something more to it. He couldn’t pinpoint what, but he knew friendship wasn’t the only feeling he felt about Gon. It was stronger. But how on earth would he explain this to his friend? And what if it sounded so weird that he would reject him? He found it stupid to admit everything, knowing that he didn’t want anything to change. If he said nothing, their bound would stay the same after all. So why put effort into it? 

He guessed the only reason he did want to say something was to free his mind. To prevent him from thinking too much about it and then act weirdly around him. That was something he definitely wanted to avoid. 

He eventually sighed, admitting with a light blush. 

“Yeah. I want to.” 

That was a good start. Now, how? 

“But I don’t know how to.”

His hands went to the cup of hot chocolate, now cold. He played with the drink, fidgeting. Then, Leorio talked for the first time since he exploded minutes ago, stating simply, in a shrug. 

“Give him flowers.” 

Killua and Kurapika reacted as a single entity, wrinkling their nose and turning to him with disgusting looks.Leorio frowned, confronted with their candidly revolted face. 

“What? At least I propose something!” He defended himself. 

But the blond was quick to counter. “No flowers.” 

“Gon would absolutely love it and you know it!” 

Killua’s frown deepened, showing even more reluctance. 

“That’s exactly why I won’t buy flowers. There’s nothing sappier.” 

The oldest sighed, adding sarcastically. “Well, you want to impress him or not?” 

The pale skin boy went crimson, eyes averting to the side. He muttered. “Yeah. But-“

“Then go with flowers! I don’t see the problem. I would buy a whole bouquet for a confession.” 

“The fact is, Gon and you are just two shameless idiots.” Kurapika retorted. Light blush could be seen on his cheeks as his eyes were closed shut, trying to show disdain. And failing. “You act without thinking and just don’t care about embarrassing the others around you.”

Killua could only agree. He looked at Leorio’s pouting face and then let out a heavy breath, half agreeing. 

“That will be my last plan. _Maybe_ , I will _perhaps_ , consider it, _if_ we don’t find anything else.” 

They all snorted at his sentence, mocking him but he ignored them. They stayed a bit silent, searching for another option. But as the seconds stretched they found themselves short on ideas. Kurapika shrugged at his turn, proposing. 

“Maybe just talk to him?” 

Leorio dramatically hit his head against the table, groaning loudly. Which irritated the blond, who frowned and asked bitterly what was wrong with his idea. 

“You can’t _just_ talk to him. Where is the romance in all of this?” 

“There isn’t any-“ 

“Guys.” Killua interrupted, face neutral. “I can’t just go to him like ‘Hey Gon, nice weather today, right? By the way, I kind of like you.” 

His point made Kurapika winced, rethinking his only idea. And then Killua snorted, adding. 

“Plus, he would answer me something stupid like an oblivious ‘I love you too Killua’.”

His remark made the three of them laugh, as they thought that indeed, it was pretty much a thing that Gon could answer. He was always dense when he wasn’t supposed to, and very observing when he didn’t need too. Killua couldn’t help a smile to stay on his lips, thinking about the duality of his friend. 

His phone buzzed, and he sighed, reading the message he just received from Gon. He looked up at his friends who were waiting for him to explain. He growled, plunging his head into his arms.

“He asked me to come to eat at his house tonight.” 

They chuckled and Kurapika added. 

“We should hurry up to find an idea then.” 

But to his chagrin, it was empty-handed that he opened the door of Gon’s house, mildly sulking. They hadn’t come up with a single good idea, and when he had left the coffee shop he hadn’t had the gut to brought a bouquet for his friend. More, he didn’t want to offer it in front of Mito and Abe. That would triple the embarrassment. 

“Killua!”

But his sulking quickly turned into a warm smile as the atmosphere of the house hit him. The sweet family was setting the table, humming and talking happily in the kitchen. The lights were on, and the delicious smell of hot food floated in the air. Plus, the smile on the three faces could only make him feel better already. He was greeted by sweet kisses on the cheeks from everybody, just like they usually did. 

“You arrived perfectly on time!” Mito’s voice was soft, as usual, full of love and affection. He could only smile as a response, feeling his heart becoming warm already. 

He loved this house a whole lot. He considered it more like home than his actual house and was always pleased to spend some time here, with the little family. They were always so caring and kind enough to welcome him as a member of the family each time he would drop by. 

They all took a sit around the table, praying before starting to eat eagerly. As usual, they chatted easily, laughing and teasing about any subjects. 

“What did you do today Killua?” Gon asked curiously, chewing happily on his food and giving a huge smile. 

The boy pulled on his turtleneck a bit, trying to hide his embarrassment. He tried to keep a neutral face, as cool and nonchalant as he could. 

“Nothing much.” He shrugged. “I joined Kurapika and Leorio at a coffee this afternoon.” 

Gon beamed. “That’s so cool! You must have had a lot of fun.” 

Killua snorted internally but nodded to his friend, quick to change the subject. “What about you? Did the house chores went well?” 

Abe laughed happily, filling her plate for the second time. “Gon had whined the whole time, hurrying himself to clear faster because it was a weekend day and he was supposed to be with Killua.” 

The Zoldyck blushed from head to toe, trying, and miserably failing to hide it with his turtleneck. Gon on the other hand just pouted and complained. 

“Don’t say it like that Abe-san! You make it sound like I didn’t want to help you with the house!” 

It was Mito’s turn to laugh wholeheartedly, ruffling her hand into Gon’s hair. “Don’t worry Gon, we know that you are happy to help. And we are grateful for that.”

Killua just couldn’t believe how little shame this boy had. He shook his head, a smirk on his lips and continued eating. The rest of the dinner passed as pleasantly as the beginning, and Gon and Killua found themselves washing the dishes before going into the boy’s room. 

It wasn’t too late in the night, so they decided they had a bit of time to play some old video games before Killua had to head back to his house. 

They entered the room and the silver-haired boy couldn’t help himself from sorting, seeing the mess on Gon’s bed. His friend was like that, he could clean as much as he wanted, there will always be some mess somewhere. Books and sheets were spread on the bed, sign that he had been studying before Killua’s arrival. 

He made himself a place to sit and took the controller Gon handed to him after setting the game up. They started playing like that, sitting in the bed in silence, occasionally teasing the other by disturbing him. 

But the game was mainly silent. And it wasn’t in their habits. Killua knew exactly why. And it was definitely because of him, overthinking. 

How could he not? Since he had been forced to admit his feelings this same afternoon, being yelled at and lectured by his friends, he couldn’t help thinking. Was he standing too close? Did the boy mind their knee touching? Did he mind that Killua was sitting on his bed?

He was thinking too much about it now and wanted to slap Leorio and Kurapika for that. Because he knew he will never be able to confess. He wasn’t capable of it, afraid of rejection. So their game was too quiet and Killua didn’t know what to do with himself. 

And of course, because Gon being Gon, being observant when Killua didn’t want him to be, he noticed.

The game paused in the middle of the action, startling the pale skin boy who turned to his friend with a wondering look. He met worried eyes and biting his lips. 

“Are you okay Killua?” 

He felt his cheeks burning and knew he was fucked up when Gon looked at them, fully seeing the red growing. Which of course, went darker once he noticed his friend starring at it. 

“Yeah.” He lied. 

What a fool he was for thinking Gon would believe him. 

At least, he had tried. 

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” 

Killua sighed, playing with his finger which looked very interesting at the moment. He knew there was no escape right now. He thought about the discussion with his two friends earlier and flushed even harder if that was possible. There was no way he would use what they proposed. He averted his gaze to the side, tilting his head a bit. 

“Have you already been in love, Gon?” 

The question escaped his mouth before he could even hold it and he gasped slightly, holding his breath inside. He didn’t know why he had asked this question especially but he was mortified by the possible answer. He waited, and waited, stress growing, apprehension showing and regrets building as the seconds stretched.He felt his throat squeeze and eyes burn at the absence of an answer. And just when he was bout to get up and apologize, Gon stated. 

“Yes. I _am_ actually.” 

The surprise hit him as he looked over at his friend. Gon was still frowning, looking at him with confusion. He couldn't bear the gaze and looked away again, biting his lips. He finally added in a small voice. 

“Oh. Really?” 

His heart missed a bit when Gon nodded. He felt it stop and even heard the sound of a light crack. He went back to fidgeting, playing with his fingers. 

He felt all the minimum courage he had gathered up disappear. He would not confess to Gon right now. 

Gon was in love and Killua wasn’t the type of guy to throw his love at someone who clearly was already taken. He would never do that to his friend.

He was a bit hurt though. He had thought that if Gon would be in love, he would be the first one to know. He refrained himself from asking, not wanting to intrude. If Gon hadn’t told him, he had his reasons. After a few minutes of silence, Gon spoke up again. Voice even more confused. 

“You know that I’m in love with you Killua, right?” 

There it is. Killua sighed heavily, thinking sarcastically that he should have bet this afternoon about stating Gon would be oblivious about it. He felt his heart flutter. 

“No, you don’t Gon.” 

Obviously vexed, Gon turned to face him, a bit of hurt in his voice. 

“Yes, I do.” 

He raised his head, looking directly into his eyes. He would love to hear those words from him, but he knew better than hopping. He smiled gently, explaining his thoughts. 

“I dint meant love like a friendship way, but more romantic way.” 

But it didn’t unlash any question at all, as the tanned boy’s brows furrowed further. He pouted, crossing his arms. 

“Yeah? And what’s the difference?” 

Killua coughed, embarrassed but explained nonetheless with crimson ears. 

“It’s more passionate? Like, you know you could do anything for this person. You have the constant need of being close to him.” He was getting redder and redder, stuttering, knowing very well he was basically admitting his feelings. “You- hm... You can’t imagine a life without him, and the only idea of him being hurt or apart rips your heart into pieces.” 

He didn’t dare continue, wanting the ground to tear apart and swallow his whole body and soul. He really wanted to hide right now, incapable to keep eye contact with his friend. If he was stressed earlier, it was nothing compared to now. But he played with the devil a bit, adding in a small voice, barely audible. 

“It’s loving someone so much we don’t ever want to let go.” 

Then, Gon spoke, voice completely lost. 

“That’s what I said, there’s no difference.”

There was a slight pause as confusion hit Kilua. He hadn’t even understand Gon’s word yet, that he felt his heart pounding. He hated himself. He hated himself for believing, for hopping, but he couldn’t help it.

“I’m still in love with you.” 

Killua inhaled sharply, finally looking up. He froze then, looking into brown eyes. 

“Don’t you love me back?” the green-haired boy asked, voice concerned. 

Killua let out a huge sigh of relief,tears in his eyes threatening to shed. He chuckled, voice hoarse. 

“You stupid. Of course, I love you.” 

And Gon beamed. Eyes shining, smile huge and heartwarming. He was the sun into the night. Killua couldn’t help himself from grinning at this sight, pleased about this outcome that he hadn’t even thought of. He felt hysteric, high on adrenaline, not only happy that Gon returned the feeling but also relieved that he got this out of his chest. 

He felt complete.

He felt soothed. 

But then, Gon grabbed his hands, tugging at them gently. And he panicked. He removed his hands as if they were burning, earning a conscientious look from the boy. He immediately felt bad, heart panicking, so he quickly explained.

“I- Sorry Gon, I was just- It’s-“ He looked down at his hands, finding back the fidgeting habit. He took a huge breath in, searching for courage. “I’m not ready to do couple-y stuff yet.” 

His friend frowned, tilting his head to the side. “What do you mean?” 

“I don’t want to be like the other couple. I’m not ready for all that stuff.” He felt his cheeks burning and, _god_ how many times did he flushed today? “You know? Like, holding hands and kissing and... Other stuff..” 

Killua squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the answer. Which came pretty quickly, startling him. Because Gon laughed. A whole ass laugh, with the ugly sound, eyes closed and hand holding his belly. He blinked stupidly several times, not knowing what was funny, not knowing if he should feel hurt. But the boy was quick to clear things up. 

“Killua, since when do we do things like the other?” He now had a fond smile on his lips, looking at him with affection. “I will never do something you don’t want to. Plus, I’m perfectly fine with the relationship we have now. We can go slow if you’d like?” 

Killua nearly cried, feeling his heart being filled with love, overwhelmed by the boy’s kindness and sincerity. He felt so lucky to have him in his life. 

He nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment. And in a faithful smile, Gon asked. 

“Are you okay with us being boyfriends?” 

A smile appeared on his lips too, showing how happy, how thankful he was. 

“Yeah. I like the sound of it.” 

They were boyfriends, and the word itself set his heart on fire but Killua loved it. Just as Gon said, they were taking things slowly. So slowly that in fact, nothing in their relationship except the name has changed. But he was glad because that was what he wanted. And Gon was kind enough to walk by his side, making baby steps. 

It took Killua two weeks to hold Gon’s hand. Just that. 

They were working at a flower shop in town. The owner, a sweet grandma, was sick, and since her granddaughter had school, she asked both of them if they would like to look after it for an afternoon. Of course, they agreed, very pleased to help her. Plus, it was a weekday, so there weren’t many customers. 

They were both sitting on the floor. Gon was planting a cactus back in a bigger pot and Killua was sitting next to him, just looking. 

He was fascinated. Gon’s hands were so gentle with the plant, being extra careful not to hurt himself. He didn’t hesitate to put his hand into the dirt, covering the roots. It was natural for him. 

Killua was just observing his friend, and the thought occurred to him. Of course, they have already held hands. Gon had already taken his to drag him somewhere, to show his excitement. But they never held hands just for the sake of holding them, just because they could.

So he asked himself how would Gon’s hand feel gently wrapped around his. How his raw skin would feel against his if they stayed like this for a long period. Just holding each other, in a deliberate and kind gesture. 

Without further thinking, Killua extended his hand and grabbed Gon’s. There was a slight surprise on the green-haired boy’s side, but he didn’t push away. He just stopped playing with the cactus and Killua could feel his gaze on him. 

He flushed, feeling his cheeks heating and heart pounding. They were just holding hands for god’s sake! But still, he felt warm. 

Gon’s hand was dirty, dust covering his fingers, but he didn’t mind. They were calloused and warm. Complementing his soft and cold ones perfectly.

A few seconds passed and then Gon squeezed his hand. Killua raised up his head, looking at his boyfriend. He was smiling, all teeth out, a slight blush on his cheeks. If this was making Gon blush, he didn’t want to know the color of his own face right now. 

The pace of his heart quickened in his chest at the sight of the tanned man smiling, delighted by the gesture. So they just held hands. 

Gon continued planting the cactus with a single hand, humming happily. They didn’t separate for the entire afternoon, not even when customers came in, smiling at their intertwined fingers. When they closed the shop,going back to the owner’s house to drop the key, they walked side by side, hand in hand. 

Killua felt happy, complete. 

Grateful that Gon was his boyfriend, thankful that the boy was in his life. He had been right, they weren’t like anybody. They could go at their own pace. 

He smiled at the idea, squeezing their embrace. 

Arrived the moment of their first date.

At least, Killua thought it was. 

They hadn’t claimed it as an actual date, but he was pretty sure it was. They hadn’t dressed any different, they hadn’t gone anywhere fancy or anything like that actually. But for the first time, they had talked about it beforehand. 

Gon has been the one asking. He had been pretty smooth about it too, casually sliding the question while they were playing a video game at his house. 

“Would you like to go see the stars tomorrow night?” 

Usually, they don’t plan anything. They always just go with what they have in thought, never planning what they could do in the next days. 

That’s how Killua knew it was _something_. 

He tensed, holding his breath. Gon sensed it because he let go of the controller to gently grab his hand, giving it a careful squeeze. 

It wasn’t that Killua didn’t want to or that he wasn’t ready for the matter. He just felt nervous, stressed that it could be weird. Maybe he wouldn’t like it, or worse, Gon wouldn’t like it. Perhaps there would be a suffocating and uneasy silence. And then everything between them would be crushed into nothing. 

But it was Gon, and the warm hand between his reminded him that. It was Gon, so whatever they were going to do, he knew he will have fun. So despise his insecure thoughts, he murmured. “Yeah”. 

It didn’t prevent him from being awfully stressed out. He went back home that night and went straight to Alluka’s room to wake her up, panicking. She had been kind enough to let him lay at her side, curling against her in the bed. She did the best she could do to calm him, whispering words of encouragement, assuring him she would be there to help him get ready for tomorrow. 

And so she did. 

But Killua rejected all her propositions. 

She first proposed something fancy, but he refused. He was afraid of being too dressed, after all, they were just going to observe the stars and will probably lay down on the grass. She was kind enough to take his reluctance into consideration and they opted for a casual outfit, not too fancy but good enough to know that this night was going to be different. Even though they didn’t pass much time getting ready, because Killua didn’t want to put makeup or anything else, staying with his sister really soothed him. He was glad that she helped him, even just a little, to feel more relaxed. 

So it was with a gentle smile that Killua went back to Gon’s house. He was relieved to see that the boy hadn’t put something too fancy either, not wanting to make Killua insecure. But he smelled really nice. 

They walked together into the forest, holding hands, Gon circling his thumbs against his skin. As expected, they just laid down on the grass to look at the stars. It was something they had already done, several times, but the atmosphere was different. It was nice. 

They didn’t talk much at first, and then Gon started talking about what he had observed about the stars since he was young. He told him about their age, their forms, their meaning, about the signs and everything he could remember. 

Killua listened carefully. He knew all of that already because Gon had already told him about them. But this time, they were laying side by side, hands pressed against each other, and they were boyfriends. So he didn’t mind listening to the same story about the stars. 

He didn’t mind because it was Gon. 

And he couldn’t wait for further dates to come. 

Then there is the first time they slept with each other. Killua has already slept several times at Gon’s house. He would eat with the whole family, help with the dishes, always turning it into a playful competition with Gon. Sometimes they would go back to Gon’s room to play. And if they decided that it was too late for Killua to go back to his house, he would just stay at Gon’s. They would take his futon, put it on the ground next to his friend’s bed and they would lay on their respective bed, talking. 

It was the best kind of nights for Killua. He would always fall asleep first, in mid-sentence and then apologize in the morning for dozing off while there were in the middle of a conversation. But Gon would just laugh, saying it didn’t matter because he found it cute. And because Gon had no shame, that would make Killua a total mess of blush in the morning. 

He liked those nights the best because he would feel calm, at peace and so happy about how his life turned out to be more exciting than he thought it would. 

All thanks to Gon. 

Then there was this night, where he was thinking too much. 

He was thinking about the way his parents used to force him into something he didn’t like, the way they would pressure him to follow a path he didn’t want to. They wanted him to be great, to be the best, to follow the example of Illumi, his —oh so perfect big brother. 

But he didn’t want that. He never wanted to be the best, he just wanted to be happy, to enjoy his life the best he could. And he had fought for it so much. 

He had had so many fights against his parents, begging for them to let him choose, to let him live his life. 

When they accepted for him to go to public school he had been so happy. Even more when he met Gon. 

Gon changed everything in his life. 

He was his first friend, the first person he talked to outside of his family. Then he became his best friend, and now boyfriend. 

He didn’t know what his life would look like if he hadn’t met the green-haired boy. Probably dull, morose, morbid. He sighed. 

Gon was the light of his life, thanks to his cheerful attitude, his smile. He kind of save him. He was the one who pushed him into doing what he wanted, supporting Killua. If it wasn’t for Gon, he would probably have been in public high school right now, still sulking about having to be perfect. 

But Gon had supported him into standing out. He had had more fights with his parents when he announced them he wanted to quit high school. School was not for him, it was way to close from what his parents wanted for him. And he was afraid that if he continued school, they would find a way to bring him back to them and force him into something again. 

Gon had been there to dry his tears after fights, to hold him tight and soothe him, telling him he was alright.

Yes, he would have been lost without Gon. 

There was also his sister. Alluka was always there to help him even though she was the one who needed help. She was just like him, forced into being someone she didn’t want to please the family. He wanted to help her, find a way to get her out of their parent’s grip. But he couldn’t do much for now, and that hurt him. 

Aunt Mito had already proposed them to stay at her house more than once. Asking him to bring Alluka here, that even if the house wasn’t big, there was always a place for them. But he couldn’t do it. He was moved by the attention, really, but he couldn’t do it. 

And tonight, he was thinking too much about it. 

Gon had fallen quiet for a long time ago. Killua’s thoughts about how lucky he was to have Abe, Mito, and Gon in his life, thoughts about his family and wishes sparked tears in his eyes. 

He tried to be silent, really, he tried hard. And he thought he did succeed. But it had been 6 years since they both met, Gon had probably developed a six sense. Because Killua hadn’t been crying for more than two minutes that the tanned boy shifted at his side. And then, in light and worried voice, he asked. 

“Killua?” 

And that was it. 

He broke, sobbing loudly, putting his hands on his mouth trying to smother the sound. He felt his breathing quickened as his sight became blurry. He heard Gon straighten up on an elbow, probably looking at him through narrowed eyes, but Killua couldn’t perfectly see him, sight blurred by his tears. Instead, he tried to talk. Failing miserably, but still succeeded in making himself understandable. 

« G-Gon, can.. s-sleep with y-you? » 

The green-haired boy didn’t hesitate at all. He got up, extending a hand to Killua. Killua took it, grabbing as if his life depended on it. And it probably did. 

He climbed into Gon’s bed as his friend laid next to him. Gon brought the blanket into both their bodies and then clung to him. Killua buried his head into Gon’s neck, sobbing even louder. He felt a hand brushing against his back, tracing circles as tiny kisses traced their way on the top of his head. 

Killua felt pathetic. 

But at least, he had Gon. Gon who has been by side ever since the day they met. Gon who was always there for him, acting exactly the way he needed. He knew when Killua wanted to talk and when he craved for silence. He just knew. And right now Killua needed to be squeezed. Crushed between his arms until all his sorrow would just disappear. Held, so he could calm himself, knowing that Gon was here with him and will always be. 

He let himself be calmed by Gon’s embrace. Listening to his beating heart and steady breath to copy it. To try to soothe him. It worked, it has always worked. They stayed like this for a long long time, until Killua stopped crying, until he stopped being a sobbing mess. 

But even then, they didn’t let go of the other. 

“Can you tell me what happened Killua?”

He sniffed, hiding more into Gon’s neck. He was afraid of telling it, ashamed of admitting it, even though he knew he would never be judged. But he did nonetheless, voice hoarse and broke. 

“I don’t know. I was just thinking about my family. And Mito and grandma and you. And everything actually.”

Gon hummed, nodding gently. He thought about it for a bit before asking. 

“Want to say more?”

He sighed, breath shaky. 

“It’s just the usual stuff. Alluka is still confined. Mito and Abe are such angels, I don’t deserve them. And I deserve you even less.”

“That not true Killua. You deserve the best in the world. You deserve something as important and big as the sun. You are so much more than you think.”

There was a slight pause, in which they both just breathed slowly. 

“You know, sometimes I wish you were me, just so you could see how I see you. You would fall in love with yourself.” He giggled, air brushing against silver hair. “Just like I fell in love with you.”

His heart missed a beat at the words, and he blushed furiously. He was thankful his face was hidden into Gon’s chest, hiding his embarrassment. 

“I wish you could see through my eyes” The boy continued, “how amazing you are. You care a lot about the other you know that? You care about Alluka and want the best for her. It took you years to finally fight for what you wanted in life because you were worried about your parents, you didn’t really want to hurt them. And even though you say that you hate your family, I know that deep down, you still care about them. Particularly for Kalluto. I know you want him to be safe too. Your other brothers are fine with their condition. But I know you’d like to save all your brothers from your parent’s grip as much as you want to save Alluka. You are so caring Killua. So selfless. I love that about you.”

There was another silence, in which Killua didn’t move, breath stuck in his lungs. But Gon didn’t end here.

“You know, you are always saying how I saved you, how you are so grateful to have Mito and Grandma in your life. But really, we are the lucky ones. Because you care about us. It’s so soothing, so heartwarming to know that someone cares about us that much.”

He stopped, putting some space between them. Killua finally let go of Gon’s grip a bit, just enough to see his boyfriend’s face. He had a frown and a worried look, but they were full of love, full of care. 

“I wish you could feel how much I love you.”

He blushed again and averted his eyes. They stay like this, silence stretching but comforting. Until Killua whispered. “Thank you.” 

“It’s okay.” 

Feeling much calmer, the pale boy was about to go back on his futon. He didn’t want to bother Gon much more about this and was glad already that he held him tight until he stopped crying. But Gon interrupted him.

“You can stay here if you want to.” 

He thought about it, head spinning a bit at the proposition. Yes, he wanted to. So he decided to be a bit selfish and settled back against Gon’s chest, entangling his legs and wrapping his arms around him. 

He fell asleep like that, breathing steadily. 

And since that night, it has become their favorite position to sleep into. 

As much as Killua said that time on the coffee shop with his two friends that he didn’t like romance, he had to admit that his first kiss was deep into it. And he would lie if he would tell he hadn’t liked it. 

It took them a year and a half. 

Gon was graduating. The school had decorated the gym and decided to organize a prom for the graduated schoolers. And of course, Gon had invited Killua. 

This time, he allowed Alluka to chose whatever she wanted for him. He wasn’t scared of anything anymore if Gon was by his side. So when she proposed the perfect outfit that enhanced his pale skin and blue eyes, he accepted without second thoughts. She helped him put a bit of make up on, beaming about how the eyeliner made his eyes even more beautiful. 

This night, she accompanied him to Gon’s house, as she had been invited by Mito to spend the night with her. Killua was more than delighted, grateful for his sister, and eager to spend the night with his boyfriend. 

Gon was beautiful too. He laughed at the idea that Mito and he had passed the whole afternoon trying to arrange his spiky hair, but kissed him gently, cheeks flushed. 

The gym was nicely decorated. They were balloons everywhere, confetti on the ground. People were drinking, eating, talking or dancing. It was nice. 

As soon as they arrived, Gon dragged Killua on the dance floor, laughing happily, eyes beaming, smile wide, putting the sun into shame. He couldn’t help it, he smiled too, dancing at his side, enjoying the moment. 

And when a slow song started, Gon had looked at Killua archly, extending an arm. Of course, he rolled his eyes, finding this stupidly sappy. But with rosy cheeks, he took his boyfriend’s hand and they started spinning slowly. 

“You are surprisingly a good dancer.” The pale boy teased, a wide grin on his lips. 

“Ah, aunt Mito showed me. She said she had enough pity for your feet to teach me how to dance.” His smile was contagious, as they both chuckled, gaze meeting. 

“I am really happy that you are here Killua.” 

This last flushed harder, ears tinted in red. He averted his gaze, closing his eyes to gain composure. 

“Stop saying things like that Gon! Don’t you have an ounce of shame, really?” 

A hearty laugh. 

“Not when I’m with you.” 

Killua rolled his eyes again, but his small smile betrayed him. So he changed the subject. 

“Now that you’re done with high school. What are you going to do Gon?” 

There was a swift in the tanned boy’s expression. He furrowed his eyebrows and bit his lips, lowering his gaze just a bit. Then he talked, voice quiet. Killua had to scoot a bit closer to hear him.

“I was thinking... I’d like to travel around. Discovering new countries, new cultures. I don’t know where exactly but... I’d like to go discover the world. With you... If that would be okay..” 

They stopped in the middle of the dance, arms still resting against each other. Killua’s breath was stuck as he looked at his boyfriend, who seemed to sulk as the seconds pass by. 

“I- We can bring Alluka too. I mean, if you want, and if she wants... It’s just-“ 

“Gon.” Pale hands wrapped tanned cheeks, forcing him to raise his head. Their gaze met. “Yes.” Killua breathed, a smile growing on his lips, eyes watering. “Yes. I would love that. I would definitely love that.” 

The effect was immediate, Gon’s smile came back on his face, illuminating the room. He asked, excited. 

“Really?”

“Really.” 

“Killua I could kiss you right now, I am so-“

“Then do it.” 

Gon paused, looking carefully into his blue eyes, searching if the boy was sincere. 

“Is this really okay?” 

Killua just smiled, nodding. They met each other halfway, into a barely kiss, full of smile. They parted, laughing at their stupidity. They took some seconds to calm down before their lips met again, more gently. 

It has been a long ride, but Killua couldn’t be happier. They didn’t need to do things like others, they could go at their own pace. 

Killua had been afraid of change back then. But Gon will always wait for him, and he will always wait for Gon. 

There was still a long ride to do.

It was just they way of loving, caring about the other. 

That was what brought Gon, two years later, to get down on one knee in front Killua, heart pounding, eyes smiling. Among his family and the one he cared about, in front of the love of his life, who was now crying, he asked. 

“Is this okay?” 

Killua hadn’t been this okay about change his whole life. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! 
> 
> This is my first hxh fic ever, so first Killugon for me, I hope I did okay! There’s a lot of narration in this lol, but anyway, I did my best. 
> 
> Feel free to tell me your thoughts and leave kudos if you liked it! Don’t be afraid to give me some advices too or point out the mistakes, I’m always looking for tips to progress! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I send you love. xx


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